The Many Faces of Grief
Written on Oct 13, 2024;
As I near the 4th anniversary of the death of my dear son, Israel. I chuckled after a good cry today. And this is why grief can be so hard to navigate.
The flooding of emotions can carry us to and fro, causing the pendulum of emotions to swing rapidly. From not knowing how to feel to feeling all the things to not feeling a thing. All the emotions can be there, they can be crazy making, and it’s all normal. I feel these waves come more often around anniversaries and important dates.
I spent some time looking through Israel’s pictures and videos. I did my fair share of ugly crying and smiling. Feeling grateful and bewildered. Feeling peace and unrest.
Today, I went to a deep place of guilt and then forgiveness. Israel was very sick and between being a new mom, caretaking for my sick child, and in an extremely abusive and toxic relationship with his dad and a religious cult, I was literally running on fumes. I wish I could have done better for him. I wish I would have been a better mom. Then I talk myself out of the spiral with Peter Crone’s words: “It happened the way it happened and it couldn’t have happened any other way, because it didn’t.” And it gets me out of the fantasy world that it “could” have been different. I literally gave everything I could to help Israel and myself. I have to give that version of me forgiveness because she was only doing what she could, and she did it fiercely.
After that moment of forgiveness, here I am, I still don’t know how to feel about this year’s anniversary. I have worked so immensely on gratitude, which has been by far the most amazing healer for this grief. I have so many amazing things going on in my life right now and many more things to come. A part of me feels pain that Israel can’t be here physically to go on the amazing hikes and see the sunsets here. And yet, I know his soul is with me and he’s far more joyful and happy than what he could be here physically.
And maybe, I have expected to feel sad or a certain way and since I don’t-I’m confused. My body has been anticipating this anniversary for weeks. I know how to shake out the trauma and walk and stretch and care for my body and that has been instrumental for healing.
Is this disbelief? Have I healed something as traumatic as losing my son to the point that I can not be paralyzed by it anymore? (If I remember, about 2 weeks ago, I was in disbelief I have gotten to the point in my fitness journey I need to run to get my heart rate up!)
One thing that is true about this journey, my awareness of my emotions and body has very much come alive. Not only about grief, but I have awareness about everything in life. THAT is where the healing creeps in.
I will continue to have gratitude, be aware of my feelings-even if that means I don’t know how to feel, and I’ll continue to grieve in whatever way is needed. I will continue to love him and myself in the midst of this time. I will continue to be grateful.
