The Three Day Bereavement: Navigating Loss in a Corporate World
During an HR meeting this week, it was mentioned that there is a three-day bereavement pay as a benefit. I will admit, three days is better than none, but after an immense loss, is three days really enough? David Kessler, author and speaker of grief, has stated many times that a year of grief is like a month.
Merriam Webster online states, “In Old English, the verb berēafian meant "to plunder or rob." The modern equivalent (and descendant) of berēafian is bereave, a verb that implies that you have robbed or stripped someone of something, often suddenly and unexpectedly…” This verbiage seems extreme but accurate. The jolt of loss often leaves the bereft paralyzed for days, weeks and months.
In these moments, life seems to have stopped for the bereft and yet life goes on. The tumult of emotions engulf while details of services and legal matters must be attended to. The whirlwind of activity and decisions is overwhelming.
How did we get here? How did we go from honoring the dying, honoring death as a rite of passage, and honoring mourning to three days paid time off? We honor birth as a human experience, and give it 6 weeks vacation (also too short in my opinion). But when death happens, also a human experience, three days is deemed sufficient.
The nervous system after shock like this is not quickly brought into homeostasis. As recently as 100-125 years ago, one year was given for mourning. (Mourning is the outward expression of grief.) It’s normal and healthy to cry, feel anger, or feel numb after a loss. Feeling pressured to return to work and stuffing emotions down only prolongs grief. Brain fog, racing thoughts, and uncontrollable crying are common. Subsequently, not only is this hard on the grieving, but is detrimental to efficiency and productivity in the workplace.
What is the solution? Could businesses adopt a benefit package similar to maternity leave for death? It’s a necessary discussion.
In the meantime, for those who experience loss and need to return to work, here are a few ways to care for yourself in the short time you have.
Focus on nervous system regulation. Here are a few techniques to try.
Humming or singing
Stand and start a gentle bounce to move energy through your body
Gentle walks in nature
Standing with eyes closed or open, put your arms up in front of you with palms out as if you are going to push a large snowball away from you. Push this snowball as slow as you can until your arms are stretched out and then either bring your arm in a cradle position or rest at sides.
Breathing. Focus on breathing for 10 seconds at a time. Noticing what your breath is doing. Breath a few deep breaths into your belly.
Make sure you are staying hydrated and getting something nourishing to eat.
Be gentle with yourself and remember this is a process. Your grief journey is going to be uniquely yours and it will be your companion. You won’t control it but it doesn’t have to control you.
